i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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