Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
