there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
