pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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