I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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