My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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