Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
