i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
