Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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