I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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