broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
