Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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