I am spending my child support on dildos
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
