One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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