sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
