am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
