On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
