peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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