What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
