Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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