Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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