I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
