Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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