Old men and throwing up are my life now.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He shit in the fireplace
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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