I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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