i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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