guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I didn't shave. On purpose
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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