and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There's always time for handjobs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
