I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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