How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I could fuck to npr.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
