Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
