Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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