My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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