Kiss
Puke
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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