Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
