Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
so much tequila, so little girl.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
FUCK WHALES
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