Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
