just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
