did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
