Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Alive.
So much puke
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
