the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
