Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
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you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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