these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
