I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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