Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
