I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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