the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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