I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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