every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
