I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
