You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
