my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I die, sorry about rent.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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