I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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