If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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