Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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