I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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